Notes - for fellow diarylanders!
Guestbook - for outsiders!
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2002-04-14 - 5:24 p.m. I miss hijinks. I keep going into the chat window, to see who's there, and scanning the list of names and thinking, why don't I just go in? Who's name am I expecting to see there? Why am I so disappointed? And it's jinksy's name I'm looking for, and that's why I'm disappointed. *sigh* - Today I looked at guitars again, bought some things - lights for my bike, a guitar hanger. My parents are away so I feel a lot more relaxed in the house. But I feel like something is missing in my life. I know, this is probably starting to sound like a broken record, but: I'm lonely. I miss having a girlfriend, but I remember all too clearly how unhappy I was when I did have a girlfriend. Lately I've gotten a few very subtle and easily misreadable signals that maybe my first ex, SB, might be interested in me again. And I'm tempted but at the same time I think, I know exactly where this would end up. There's no way that this can come to any good. There's no way. Sometimes I think about "those people" those others, the ones who are cool and rich and have muscles and confidence and for whom casual sex is a way of life, and I feel jealous and resentful. But the truth is I don't want that life. While I never had it, exactly, I've had a couple of one night stands (some time ago now) and they always left me feeling... awry. Like, there ought to be something more, it's not right, it just doesn't feel right to have sex with someone and then never see them again. Besides which, I have my own good fortune, my own gifts, which I wouldn't trade for any others. But. But it seems like there's no pre-established comfortable place in the world for someone like me. I'm going to have to make my own - but in a way that someone else will want to share. I don't want - I do want - I don't know. I do know that I don't want to go on like this, talking vaguely about things I don't understand, instead of doing something, taking some kind of action, taking some kind of responsibility for my own happiness. I've been blessed with everything, I think, everything I would need to get to where I wanted to go, if only I knew where that was. - There's virtue in being pithy, sometimes. Not among my gifts today, it seems. - "Every day, when the light Comes creeping in around my eyes Another future falls behind The one I had in mind" - Concrete Blonde
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