Notes - for fellow diarylanders!
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2002-03-18 - 11:53 p.m. Today I went to send something in the mail and ran into a friend, um, who I might have mentioned before, and her hair was a different colour, and I had sinful thoughts... she has a boyfriend and I think he doesn't like me because I have a different sort of rapport with her than he has and I think that he worries that I'll try to take her away. And I probably would, if I had any belief in myself as a decent romantic prospect, but I don't. I'm lonely. I've started to miss J. I know, I know, it's a bit late for that now, isn't it? It's probably a year since we broke up, now, maybe even a year since she got her new boyfriend. I mean, I wouldn't ask her to get back together with me even if she was single, because I would just end up hurting her all over again. But I've been remembering things that I liked. Sex, for one. Towards the end, it had become a bit onerous, because I think she wanted to fuck me as a confirmation that I still cared about her, still wanted her, and so she wanted it all the time because she had started to become insecure about our relationship... and I couldn't keep up. But for most of our relationship, the sex was fantastic. And just having someone around, someone I could talk to, someone I could blather to about all the insignificant nonsense that I think about every day. Someone to share passions with. She hated all the music I loved, and she didn't think much of my singing or guitar playing (admittedly because I was only learning and hence sucked, I've gotten marginally better since, but still, she wasn't very supportive of it) but she did share some of my passions. She introduced me to Buffy, and we had great fun watching it together... we had a lot of great talks about politics, mainly bashing Howard and expressing disbelief at how evil he is and the fact that nobody seemed to remember and specific lie two weeks after he'd been caught out... and there were times when we were really, really close. They scared me, because even when we were at our closest I was thinking about the possibility that I might eventually leave her, and how much it would hurt her when I did. - And it did, it hurt her a lot, but she went through the pain and then she found someone else and now she's happy. But I have to live with me forever. I can't leave myself to get on with my life, can't leave myself behind and forget about me. I have to go on being me every single day. I have to go on. I want to want to go on. Sometimes I do. But when I don't, then all of that slips away, isn't real, doesn't feel real, I can't feel it. You know, people speak disparagingly of "touchy-feely" stuff as though it were something foolish or infantile, while the hard world of "reality" is where all the adults live. But the fact is, our feelings are for us the ultimate reality, to which everything else must answer. The "real world" only exists insofar as it affects our emotions; if you can't feel it, it doesn't exist, it's vague and insubstantial. I think I might be turning religious - although, to what religion I could possibly turn, I don't know. I'm too arrogant for most of them, I suspect. - "So the only thing that you remember is What it's like to be in love with me" - Oh Susanna
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