Notes - for fellow diarylanders!
Guestbook - for outsiders!
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2002-03-09 - 9:08 p.m. lately I feel like I have to fight every moment, just to keep it together enough to appear to be almost normal. I feel this kind of slow sadness moving through me that I recognise in the way you recognise something from deja vu... I know the person who feels this way, this used to be me, this used to be me all the time... why is it coming back? I suspect it's got something to do with my phd supervisor. He's amazing. I mean, everything he teaches, it's like, it's so full of life, so inspiring, so clever and true but not clever-clever like he's showing off... I don't know, I feel like he's somehow just perfect. And he keeps encouraging me to write in a certain way, that involves more than just writing... "write from joy", he says. Once you get into Hegelian stuff or Structuralist stuff it's easy to get lost in a meaningless forest, where everything dissolves into being the same, where it's hard to understand anything but once you do understand you find that all that understanding allows you to do is show how meaningless and worthless everything is... somehow there's a way out of that world. I don't want to be who I've been for all these years anymore. "Every little moment is a chance to turn it all around" says Penelope Cruz in "Vanilla Sky", and you better believe I want to turn it all around. Part of what makes me so sad is that I can see part of myself, I can see that I have so much potential, that I can do so much, that I have so much to give other people... and it's all going to waste. - Sorry, my mother just came and talked at me for half an hour and I've totally lost the thread of what I was talking about. I need to move out of this damn place. - "Keep your electric eye on me, babe" - David Bowie
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