Notes - for fellow diarylanders!
Guestbook - for outsiders!
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2002-03-03 - 1:01 a.m. Went to the mardi gras with H, rode around looking at the crowds and getting the occaisional glimpse of a float. Then he came back here and we drank and played cards and talked about girls. Then he got tired and so I set up a bed for him and he went to sleep and I came up here. - I just absolutely hate my life at the moment. I hate myself, and I wish I was dead, and I wish I wasn't who I am, and I wish I didn't have anything to do or any responsibilities, and I wish I wasn't the sort of person who hates responsibilities so much... I hate the fact that for the last 6 months, at least, I haven't made any real progress on the guitar. I'm just playing the same old stuff because I don't have the discipline to do the hard work of practising new things a little every day - that's all it takes, but it has to be every day. - I don't want to be like this because I know it's a drag on other people. I don't want to be the sort of person I am in relationships. I don't want to have all of the crazy fucked-up issues that I have with trusting people... what I crave more than anything else in the world is to be close to people and to be able to trust them and tell them my secrets, and at the same time it's what scares me more than anything else. That's what makes me into an arsehole, that's why I suddenly turn cold and indifferent - because I get scared of all the things I've already said, I feel exposed and helpless, defenceless, like I was when I was a child, and I become determined to get back to safety again, to make sure I am secure and beyond being hurt... so I suddenly become cold and distant and hide myself away, and refuse to talk about why. I'm so fucked up, I'm such a fucking mess, and there's nothing I can do. Therapy is all bullshit, it never comes to anything in the end. More than anything it's about the therapsit's vanity, I think... they have this beautiful image in their heads where they are great healers and they are able to turn lives around... and when they hit a difficult case like mine then they turn away because it spoils the fantasy. I'm never going to get better. AAAARGH!!! I HATE IT, I HATE BEING LIKE THIS, I don't want to keep running over the same ground, making the same mistakes, again and again until I die. I want to live! I want to really live! - "Running over the same old ground What have we found? The same old fears" - Pink Floyd
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