Notes - for fellow diarylanders!
Guestbook - for outsiders!
|
|
2002-02-25 - 11:47 p.m. I don't know what I'm feeling. Half the time I feel lacklustre and depressed, like I don't have the energy to even stand up... and the other half of the time I feel so cooped up that I want to do something, anything, just to let it out, punch the walls, scream, jump up and down... I think I need to get back into the daily bike rides. They seemed to help keep me on an even keel. This weather is sucky. - Something I said to her while I was in New Zealand was that when I look at a seed I see rotting fruit. It's like, um, there's a kind of cycle of life, right, that goes something like Seed -> Seedling -> Sapling -> Tree -> Flowers -> Fruit -> Rotting Fruit -> Seed. I mean, I left out a few stages, but you know what I mean. Anyway, the point is there's only one stage which is really bad in the whole cycle, when the fruit rots, because it goes from being something fresh and delicious and wonderful to being smelly and slimy and nasty... but it's a necessary precursor to the next stage, because the rotted flesh of the fruit gives the seeds something to grow in. Anyway, I look ahead and see disaster. Whenever I think about the future, I think about how things will inevitably go wrong. This whole guilt over my relationship with J. in a way was just an excuse, I think, to tell myself I could give up on life because it's always going to be that way, I'm always going to end up hurting someone, whatever I give will always turn sour in the end... ...but it's not just me, right? I'm not the only one who hurts people unintentionally? It's just that I'm the only one I've got to worry about feeling guilty about when he (me) causes hurt... this is getting too convoluted. I guess all I really want to say is that if I'm going to live, I ought to have a decent bash at it, even if it all rots in the end... we all do, anyway. - Nostalgia is a destructive habit and I really need to break it. - "If you want to give them flowers Make them paper ones you send Live your life a jigsaw It goes back in the box in the end" - The Beautiful South
|