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2002-01-30 - 12:00 p.m. I had a dream where I was going on some journey, some underground river-cave thing, and I put some of my posessions in a little boat so that I wouldn't have to carry them, and floated them on the river and walked along, and I had stubbed my toe and every step was utter agony, and the river and the path parted ways and I lost my things, and my guides laughed at me, and I had to climb some kind of weird concrete wall in order to get away from a motorbike, and parts of the cavern were for sale and other parts were fenced off... what does it all mean? - I remember when I bought "Phil Ochs In Concert", I has been quite depressed for a while, lost a lot of the pleasure I had formerly taken in listening to music, and was amazed as I listened to it that I felt this sudden rush of pleasure, this intense happiness as the music washed over me. It was partly that he had a beautiful voice and funny, angry, clever lyrics, but more than that, it was my realisation that my life wasn't over. I mean, when I'm depressed, I don't find any pleasure in anything, you know? Food doesn't taste good, conversations are an effort, films are just a way of shutting things out for a while... and it feels like it's always going to be that way, as though music will never sound sweet again. But then it does, and it's wonderful, the whole world comes alive again. The hidden magic in the ordinary world is suddenly revealed, life is good, it's all good, it feels precious and rare and joyful. - But it doesn't last forever; nothing does. Depression creeps back in. And the depression always makes me feel like that magical transformation of the world is never going to happen again; this time it's going to be for good, this time you're dead inside forever. But, at least so far, it doesn't seem to work that way. No matter how long you've been depressed for, there's always hope that something will make you laugh again. I guess I just have to try and retain my perspective; to know that nothing, no emotional state, is ever going to get permanent, so don't settle too heavily in whatever place you're at now, because something is going to move, and it's a good idea to be ready to move with it... - "You're watching reruns of the Twilight Zone Your life in a nutshell You're living alone" - Loudon Wainwright III
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